I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
