just tell him i said nine months
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
