new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
