Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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