I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
