Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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