dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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