I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
