wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The air was thick with penises
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
