capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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