So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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