He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
