Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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