Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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