Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
