My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
