go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable