I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection