I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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