my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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