operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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