The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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