His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
