I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
