I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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