My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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