I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I checked into jail on foursquare
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
