I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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