The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
