if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
