So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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