Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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