He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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