just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
