I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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