Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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