Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All I want is dick and wine.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
