I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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