I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
