how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
