I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
you never un-have a 4some
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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