The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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