I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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