Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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