Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
