I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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