my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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