There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
