Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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