Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
