Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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