Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
