I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
