You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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