So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
